Episode 46: Wetter Water Wonderland

This week Aaron teaches the guys about how the best water is above 7 and then quizes the patrons on what they’ve learned about wetness.

Welcome to Interesting If True, the podcast that’s wetter than an otter’s pocket, because today’s show is about making water wetter! Oh yeah!

I’m your host this week, Aaron, and with me are:

I’m Shea, and this week I learned that eggs are the most popular form of children to eat.

Snake oil or cure all, you won’t be the judge… because it’s nonsense 100% of the time.

Before I dive in, I want to take a moment and say that almost every source I’ve found refers to alkaline water as snake oil. And while I understand the sentiment I can’t help but point out that snake oil wasn’t “snake oil” until charlatans replaced the minimal effects of elixirs make with the Chinese Water Snake with… you know, whatever they have around. Whereas alkaline water has literally never, ever, been good for you.

Alkaline stuff has become incredibly popular. Beverage Marketing Corporation, a research and consulting group who does exactly what the name suggests, found that in 2014 alkaline water was a 40mil a year proposition. Four years later, it was closer to 700mil.

Anyone with half a brain cell should be able to suss out why alkaline diets, especially alkaline water, won’t ever help you but indeed can harm you—and if you’re particularly unlucky, kill you horribly.

To understand alkaline water we first need to understand acids, those are the things below 7 on the pH scale, and bases or alkaloids, those above 7 on the same scale, with 7 itself being neutral. Your body is naturally slightly alkaline, with blood for example typically being at 7.40. Meanwhile stomach acid can be between 1.5 and 3.5, coffee is typically in the 4.2 to 5.3 range. On the base side of things you’ll find you blood, most cleaning products, baking soda and even more so in baked-baking soda (as one might make to create authentic ramen noodles), and on the extreme end potassium and cesium.

So, what could possibly say “healthy” more than upping those alkalinity points with alkaline water and diet until you gain the awesome power of raw cesium?! That’s right, nothing.

So drink up because as totally reputable site n-o-v-a.com says alkaline water: 1. Restores Ph balance in the body (I guess everyone pre-bottled hippy-water was just walking around acid-melting everything like a Xenomorph with hemophilia), Increases Energy levels, [it’s] extra hydrating than other water (grammar theirs), and it can help reduce signs of aging.

So pretty woo, but not as woo-woo and the woos can do.

For the real lowdown on alkaline water I had to do some Googling and surprise, surprise, I quickly found out all the alkaline secrets Big Water Cycle doesn’t want you to know about. For example, it cures cancer when consumed with Chemo!

The cancer claims are almost entirely based on the idea that cancer cells create an ever-so-slightly more acidic environment to thrive, and therefore alkalizing that environment will kill the cancerous cells. Which is true… in a laboratory setting. Of course, in a lab cells are actually kind of difficult to keep alive anyway and by the same logic a handgun will also eliminate cancer by making its petri dish inhospitable.

Alkalizing your body is an entirely different hill to climb.

Unfortunately for the basic woos, (hehe, see what I did there) everything in nature goes against the idea that you should alkalinize yourself. Even the CO2 in our lungs and blood is acidic. So, Alkalinzing yourself isn’t going to be easy. Which is where Real Water and its competitors will help you out. With water ranging from 5 to 9 on the pH scale, they’ve got the water that’s for you, not mater which side of the 7 your woo falls.

From ScienceBasedMedicine by way of Flying Crane Acupuncture, Kangan water (another brand name) is recommended for:

cancer, auto-immune disorders, chemical sensitivities, GERD, allergies, candida, Lyme Disease, Biofilms, protozoan FL1953, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, leaky gut syndrome, migraine headaches, multiple sclerosis, osteoporosis, psoriasis, sinusitis, and all people on the standard American diet.

Because American’s eat garbage. And not even super-garbage like Kangan is selling.

According to Mark Crislip on SBM, FL1953 is a non-identifier. He did some looking and surprise, nothing worth noting in any journals but he did find a reference to Protomyxzoa rheumatica, which I’m positive I miss-pronounced but it also doesn’t matter because that’s not a thing.

The only person who thinks it is, is Dr. Stephen Fry MD, who hasn’t published any findings of course, but he’s pretty sure this protozoa that somehow becomes a worm which causes a fungal super-infection is actually the cause of Fibro, MS, ALS, etc., and, of course, doesn’t like alkalinity. The images of the bug, which were widely called “a red blood cell” or “an artifact” are no longer available from FloridaDetox.com for what I’m guessing are truth reasons. That said, they can still cure your Lyme Disease with… stuuuff… honestly, judging by the wall of nonsense on their site it might just be easier to have Eli fuck it away.

Still, the cancer is a fungus and HIV/AIDS is a toxin crowd aren’t giving up just because their thing is demonstrably nonsense. No, that would be conceding to big Germ Theory and we can’t have that.

To that end, companies like Kangan, Real Water, and others have been making not just bottled water but also machines that, somehow, use electrolysis and salt to make alkaline or acidic water to your specifications. Of course, none of this works because separating pH neutral water into H and O2 with low voltage electric currents creates… all the bits you need for water. So unless your goal is flammable gasses this doesn’t work. The woo-plan is to split the water into H and O2 such that we’re left with more OH ions which are basic. Unfortunately, you’re also left with extra Hydrogen ions which are both acidic and prone to recombining with OH to make water. So electrolysis doesn’t make alkaline water which is why most of it has baking soda in it. Yep.

Your body is very good at regulating its own pH and altering that through diet is almost impossible. It should be obvious, but let’s walk through this. The more alkaline waters offered can be upwards of 9.3 pH, which has gotta be less than great to drink, but whatever. After leaving the bottle the water is introduced directly to your stomach acid which immediately neutralizes the water. The end. Right? No.

Like any solution if you mix enough of a reagent into it, you can change its pH and there are people dedicated enough to do so. Mixing baked-backing soda into water, for example—which, by the way, you should absolutely never do because it will likely chemical burn the hell out of you—you could push through the stomach acid limitation, through the kidneys and liver limitations, and slowly begin to alkalinize your body. I have to reiterate that this would take a huge amount of effort because you will have to push through chemical burns, massive digestive issues, abdominal pain, and then a growing list of symptoms associated with what your doing to yourself, otherwise known as Alkalosis.

Alkalosis is usually caused by CO2 build up directly in the blood stream. Doing it orally is something of a feat. Still, here’s what you’re dealing with and it isn’t even a little bit the cure for cancer. You’re looking at muscular weakness then pain followed by sever cramps coupled with muscle spasms (as in, eventually, the spin breaking kind). It will cause transport proteins in your blood to ionize into anions causing free calcium to bind more strongly to albumin, which causing tetany seizures. Then it gets into your central nervous system and causes strokes or Rett syndrome before eventually melting your lungs, brain, and ability to be not dead.

But don’t take my word for it…

A 2016 systematic review of the evidence for an alkaline diet for the prevention or treatment of cancer concluded:

Despite the promotion of the alkaline diet and alkaline water by the media and salespeople, there is almost no actual research to either support or disprove these ideas. This systematic review of the literature revealed a lack of evidence for or against diet acid load and/or alkaline water for the initiation or treatment of cancer. Promotion of alkaline diet and alkaline water to the public for cancer prevention or treatment is not justified.

And, you remember me mentioning that if your blood alkalizes it can create free calcium, which is absolutely a bad thing, but when filtered through ignorance it sounds a lot like something that could be good for bone health. To that…

A 2011 systematic review of alkaline diet for preventing osteoporosis found:

A causal association between dietary acid load and osteoporotic bone disease is not supported by evidence and there is no evidence that an alkaline diet is protective of bone health.

Now, if all of this science is a bit science-y for you, we can bring it back down to Earth. From the FDA:

“We are advising consumers, restaurants and retailers to not consume, cook with, sell or serve “Real Water” alkaline water until more information is known about the cause of the illnesses. We are working to determine how the alkaline water may be related to the illnesses. Although the investigation is ongoing, epidemiologic information currently indicates that this alkaline water product may be the cause of the illnesses. We will provide additional updates as more information becomes available.”

What is the illness they’re talking about? Well that’s five kids in Nevada who have recently been sent to the ICU—their parents were admitted with varying degrees of illness. The illness is defined by the FDA as “non-viral hepatitis” traced back to consuming Vegas-based Real Water Alkaline water.

For their part Real Water rep Jones says:

“Real Water is asking that all retailers pull the product from the shelf, effective immediately, and hold it in the back rooms or return it to the distributors. Any customer who has purchased Real Water from a retailer is asked to return the product.”

So, you know, Alkaline water may claim to cure cancer but it definitely does is give you all the symptoms of hepatitis.

So, to summarize, a simple bottle of Alkaline Water will not alkalinize your body, and even if it could the effects would be anything but healthy and desirable. Best case you get sick, worst case you wind up on live transplant lists like the five kids I just mentioned. Just say “no” to water-woo!

  • https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/down-the-virtual-rabbit-hole/
  • https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/alkaline-water-surges-despite-lack-of-evidence/
  • https://www.aicr.org/wp-content/cache/powered-cache/www.aicr.org/resources/blog/another-cancer-and-diet-claim-the-alkaline-diet/index.html
  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21529374
  • https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27297008/
  • https://ktla.com/news/nationworld/fda-warns-not-to-drink-real-water-brand-alkaline-water-after-5-kids-hospitalized-with-liver-illness/
  • https://www.fda.gov/news-events/fda-brief/fda-brief-fda-investigates-source-non-viral-hepatitis-cases-possibly-linked-bottled-alkaline-water
  • https://quackwatch.org/related/DSH/coral2/
  • http://www.chem1.com/CQ/

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Now that you know about how to make water more watery, let’s take a quiz!

It’s time for Shea to lose a quiz, after all, turnabout is fair play eh. Let’s take the zanny water quiz!

Much like Shea’s impossible to win greasy spoon slang, I’m going to give you a term and very little to go on then ask you to tell me what it all means.

For example, if I ask what “alkaline water” is you should now be able to tell me that it’s a bunch of nonsense woo-woo BS suggesting that basic water will make you healthier.

Q: What is “Activated Water”? A: This is a bit of a generic term but it typically refers to water that has been imbued with special properties with magnets, electricity, vibrations, or hoping at it real hard.

Q: What is “Willard’s Water”? A: It’s about as healthy as his “water” for sure. Willard’s Water, available now for $15.99/8oz bottle, was created 40 years ago by Dr. Willard when he mixed water he was studying with another undefined thing he was studying and the result is… waterier. This new, better, water has a “catalyst that alters the structure of water [that] significantly increases the body’s ability to fully absorb essential vitamins and nutrients.” or so says the website without working images.

Q: What is “Aetheric Energy Water”? A: Well naturally it’s “Aetherically Charged” – hopefully not with real ether – the same … stuff … used in “anti-aging cream”, and “Aetheric gold” … end of explanation. From the site “tetrahedronal mathematic-based technology: …The virtual laser imposes coherence (structure) on the vacuum medium around and through a given volume water and rotates energy out of vacuum into the fundamental water molecules.” Which yes, those are all words, except no, they’re not. This is Structured Water nonsense. The idea is that Structure-Altered Waters (SAWs) are happier, healthier water molecules and all you need to prove that is that when water’s structure is crystalline, ie: a snow flake, it makes people happy, and when it’s a gross little tap water blog, it makes people sad. Also, wtf.

Q: What is a “Vortex Water Revitalizer”? A: It’s a faucet pipe with a curly-Q in it, or a main water pipe extension that has a curly divider in it that will force your water into “into a double helix DNA type cycloid, curved spiral flow-form, which creates a powerful vortex induced implosion in the water” which is somehow good for you because your body won’t need to digest water anymore, it just goes right into your you, it has 25% more oxygen, and it eliminates bacteria, so that’s nice. Water Pipe

Q: What is “Angel Fire Water”? A: It’s water that has been put through a “12 step process to bring you our super oxygenated, structured, alkaline water.” Apparently, they “add pure oxygen and lock it into the molecular structure of water” by way of a “bio-electric impedance analyzer” that makes their water improve “cellular hydration” in just 22 minutes. Of course, if you actually added another Oxygen to H2O you’d get H2O2, or Hydrogen peroxide, which you very much should not drink.

Q: What is “AquaLiv”? A: This “structured alkaline water” is a “homeopathic health supplement […] saturated with ‘Life-Force Energy'” duh.

Q: What does the “Aqalpulse 3000” do? A: This Texas-based water woo device uses electrical “impulse technology” to “solve hard water problems”. This is another anti-/de-scaling solution because scaling in your tea-pot is evidence of upper 4th dimensional lizard people diluting mono-atomic gold in your Earl Grey. Moreover, they claim that “iron particles are set in motion at high speed, which breaks down the lime.” Which is… wut?

Q: What does the Bernardini “Research Institute” make for your water? A: The “Energy Mug” which can, apparently, transform bad right-spinning water into healthier “left-spin water” and no, the company is not based in Australia. They’re based in the 90’s where you can still get a Geo-Cities site covered in nonsensical gifs. The mug sells for $60USD and has the power of eight different background colors and five fonts on the same page!

Q: What if you want your water filtered through a vintner? Then you’ll need a “BevWizard Wine Enhancer” which does what? A: Yep, it’s a magnetic wine stopper that apparently causes tannins to coagulate… because of how ferris and blood-like they are I guess.

Q: What does the “Catalytic 1000 Salt-Free Water Softener” do? A: Well naturally it turns “calcium bicarbonate” in calcite by “Utilizing household water pressure as its energy source, the CATALYTIC 1000 converts hardness producing calcium bicarbonate into Calcite – an internationally recognized, environment friendly, sequestering (water softening) agent. The Calcite seeds attract calcium and magnesium, preventing these hardness minerals from forming scale and producing other hardness related problems.” Which is an interesting claim given that “Calcium bicarbonate” isn’t a thing and calcite (calcium carbonate) doesn’t soften water so much as it is a major cause of scales so… nope, eh.

Q: What is “Deuterium” and why is it good for water? A: It’s “CELLFOOD’s Di-base, Di-pole Deuterium Sulfate” of course which “provides an incredible oxygen source and delivery stateroom to the body at the cellular level” which is impressive especially when you realize it “has the unique ability to dissociate the water molecule into nascent hydrogen and nascent oxygen” which cool, unless you’re a smoker…

Q: What makes “Ejax Wetter Water” even wetter than water? A: Of course it’s the “sacrificial magnesium electrode [that] yields colloidal material that is claimed to control scale, remove chlorine, and ‘produce smaller drops of water'”. Best of all, for farmers, golf course owners, etc., Ejax Wetter Water “neutralizes sodium” and reduced irrigation needs by up to 50% while saving 30% on the electricity needed to pump it!

Q: What is so essential about “Essential Energy Lifeforce Water”? A: The water, when combined with the power of the “Energizing Mug” reverses the “spin” of water molecules to “override negative vibrational memories that may be left by low energy substances, while simultaneously increasing the life-enhancing potential of your water.” Best of all thanks to the “Water Doctor” we now know how to reformat homeopathic dino poo water. So that’s nice.

Q: What does “H4O Hydrogen-Bonded Water” do for you? A: Fucking nothing because you can’t make H4O… but according to a Japanese site it’s “low ORP” “miracle water” that can “relieve your pain and suffering for it prevents the damaging effects of free oxygen radicals” and naturally, “because of it’s purity, it boasts a pH level of 7.7” which is… lolz.

Q: What does “Magnation Water Technologies” do? A: This agricultural product is some kind of … thing … the pics make it look like another double helix pipe in which “water molecule clusters made up of water and salts are simultaneously busted apart, polarized and held in suspension as smaller, fully energized, lighter, and more bioavailable units with better electrons. This creates a softer, more permeable and productive water while also preventing mineral scale buildup.The effect of Magnation’s magnetic systems makes matter lighter and smaller on subatomic isotopic levels.”

Q: What does “Miracle 6” do? A: Naturally it’s a computer program from prophecyandpreparedness.com that clusters water and transmits prayers to God. Talk about SaaS!


I’m Aaron, and I’d like to thank all our listeners, supporters, and my co-hosts.

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Music for this episode was created by Wayne Jones and was used with permission.

The opinions, views, and nonsense expressed in this show are those of the hosts only and do not represent any other people, organizations, or lifeforms.
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