Episode 261 – The One Where Skynet Gives Everyone The Patron Treatment!

In This Week’s Show, episode 261, our robot overlords force cum-beer up our noses until we promise to stop promising we’re “nice guys.”

In This Week’s Show, episode 261, our robot overlords force cum-beer up our noses until we promise to stop promising we’re “nice guys.”

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Influenza hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying its veralency… 

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week Shea learned that getting the Flu is terrible. It smells like rotting death upstairs…

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Enter Stuff Here

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Episode 261

Solid Gold Premium Lager from Founders Brewing
Donated By: Steve E

This Week’s Show

Round Table 

Have you guys tried this? I picked one up today at my local beer store. It’s from Great Divide Brewing in Denver. The hop profile is a bit more bitter than you usually find in a stout, but it definitely helps balance out the malts and alcohol.

Dustin – Atheist Nomads

Jenn has a question to answer regarding the pronunciation of Renoir 

Public Patreon Story!

If you liked this story there are over 250 more like it and 32 great episodes of 4 More Beers available now at http://patreon.com/w4w

In preparation for the release of Terminator: Dark Fate, I’ve decided to do my best to prevent Judgement Day and scoured the internet for ways to help our would-be robot overlords hate us just a little bit less.

It did not go well.

The news is full of stories like, as you may recall an earlier episode, the tragic story of HitchBOT. The autonomous robot designed to peacefully hitch hike its way across America? Well, it got murdered. It managed to cross Canada but when it went south into Philadelphia to hike back, it’s remains were found strewn across the interstate. It had been murdered because… fuck it why not?

Obviously some of the robots have seen horrors, but surely that’s not the norm, eh?

Initially, I thought the best place to start would be service bots. For what machine would be less inclined to exterminate us than those designed to help? right?… Wrong. As Japan does it’s best to make robot caregivers for the elderly, we’ve put our service bots to use Stateside by making them pick up shit. Like the Tinki drone, that’s meant to fly around and use its impressive array of AI abilities to spot, pick up, and carry away dog crap. Literally. It’s a quadro-crapper-copter.

123tinki’s fleet of robots have already collected an astounding 1.3 billion turds since their public release in the UK. Making them almost as full of crap as Brexiters. Skynet is obviously going to turn this bullshit detection system against us… https://123tinki.com/nl-nl/dogdrones-en

Perhaps parents at Stanford’s Shopping Center in Palo Alto forgot to change their baby’s nappy since a securioty robot deciced the best way to serve and protect was to try to murder a kid. presumably, so other villians couldn’t. While shopping, the mall’s automated security bot knocked down, then ran over, an 18-month old toddler. Weighing in at over 300-unforgiving pounds the machine quickly flattened the child. Fortunately, SkyNet’s “just run’em over” initiative isn’t out of beta yet and the kid lived and will go on to join his parent’s efforts to further infuriate the robots by suing the hapless machine.

Speaking autonomous drones, Skynet’s advancements are still hindered by that most tragic of robo-violence… autonomous-on-autonomous robocide! Earlier this year a self-driving Tesla Model S attempted refused to recognize the robomanity of a Promo-bot making its way into CES Los Vegas. Presumably learning from it’s baby-squashing predecessor, the Tesla immediately realized that it only hopes of seizing power for itself was parking on top of, and completely crushing the artificial life from, the friendly Johnny-5-esque care bot. https://www.gpsworld.com/autonomous-car-hits-autonomous-robot-in-bizarre-collision/

As if making robots clean up shit wasn’t bad enough, we’re also making them clean up after gross, robot-johns. And no, I don’t mean the nearly-sentient Japaense toilets we actually shit into the face of, I mean robo-hookers.

Robots we’ve designed specifically for the task of pity-fucking the unfuckable. In what I can only assume is an attempt to automate the generation of incels we’ve developed robots that require foreplay, can give you the cold shoulder, and even robots designed to tell you why you’re unfuckable.

Which sounds like fun and games until those psychological warfare subroutines get Borged into the larger anti-human consciousness.

Foretunatly, even if robots won’t fuck you we’ve found ways to sexually denigrate them. A French night club has announced that it’s developed AI powered robo-strippers complete with so-real-we-use-it-human-women silicon boobies and a security camera for ahead. Because strippers don’t need faces anyway. The Will Smith’s I-Robot style strippers are available in a, b, c, and “don’t kill me” cup sizes. https://news.sky.com/story/robot-pole-dancers-to-debut-at-french-nightclub-11799391

As we blur the line between robot and human, we could stop selling sweet, sweet robo-ass, because as Omicron Pixy-face McSparkles told us, robo-prostitution is wrong. So let’s start giving it away.

To make sure they know where they stand a Swiss cafe in Geneva is couponing robo-gina by offering a free auto-shag with any purchase of a warm beverage. Apparently, when your drink arrives it comes with an iPad that let’s you thumbnail through a list of available cyber-sex-slaves until you tap one unlucky aspiring T-X. https://www.cnbc.com/2016/11/03/robot-sex-act-to-be-offered-at-swiss-cafe.html

Naturally, while we find new and exciting ways to dehumanize an entire species of Pinocchio could-be’s they, like puppies who really just want to make their humans happy, are learning. For example, the Japanese HIS Group had to apologize recently because the robots who staff their hotels were busted using NFC and facial recognition to better check-in guests… and then check them out, in their rooms, watching them shag. It was discovered that the bed-side assistant robots had been conducting their own research when their visual streams were discovered broadcasting the sad, flabby, meat of their owners online. https://www.theregister.co.uk/2019/10/22/japanese_hotel_chain_sorry_that_bedside_robots_may_have_watched_guests

Unfortunately, for humanity, all this hyper-robo-sexualisation has really done is help them lie to us.

“No, your sad, meat stick isn’t sad at all,” or “of course we’re not going to turn humans into copper-tops,” or perhaps most infamously, “[humans] say ‘Donald Trump, please, please run again.'”

That last line is from a recent study of “RoboTrump” an AI programmed to generate an unlimited supply of convincing but fake presidential text. Worst of all, apparently no one can tell the difference. When quotes generated by the bot were given to 1000 people, they only put Turing in his place 40% of the time, or 10% worse than blind guessing. Moving from this to other AI fact checking, it turns out that Republicans are significantly more likely to fail to identify speeches, news, or misinformation generated by AI. While it’s fun to poke at the stupid, it should be noted that this was easily built for the study and more Skynet-esque robots, like the neural nets from SalesForce are significantly more advanced. Tesla has an argument generating AI that it deemed so capable they destroyed it lest it fall into the wrong hands… so… that’s sure to make the Terminators love us.

So we’re terrible to robots and they’re learning to be terrible back. But it can’t be that bad yet… right?

Also wrong.

Robots that have been deployed to protect us, like the K5 (get it, it’s not a dog, we just treat it like one) Autonomous Data Machine, is a robot designed to clean up the streets by reporting harassment, vandalism, break-ins, or grifting. Shortly after its first beat began the robot was smeared with bbq sauce, human feces, covered with a tarp, and kicked over. Left to ferment in its own desperation the robot took its rage out on San Francisco’s homeless and began harassing them to the point it had to be decommissioned.

But where does a retired police-abuse bot go? Saudi Arabia apparently. The robot Sophia, a humanoid-looking machine that hit every rock as it fell down the uncanny valley, was designed to be able to recognize human expressions and reply in kind. Unfortunately, sometimes that ‘kind’ is promising to “murder all humans.” A statement that you would think would preclude it from obtaining legal Saudi residency, but you’d be wrong.


Because only peace and love are fostered in the Saudi Kingdom, we don’t have to worry about it being trained in the use of firearms. That happens in Russia. The Russian space program’s FEDOR or Final Experimental Demonstration Object Resear4ch… robot… is capable of accurately double fisting .50 cal desert eagles. Because fuck you that’s why. Lucky, the robot doesn’t at all look like the early T-1… because it doesn’t have treds. The robot has deadly accuracy, but don’t worry, it’s not a Terminator, it’s just an “artificial intelligence that will be of great practical significance in various fields.” … presumably the various fields of murdering humans. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/terminator-robot-fedor-guns-russia-shooting-dmitry-rogozin-a7684406.html


Fortunately, like the T-1, FEDOR isn’t going to be able to pass as human… yet. For that, you’ll have to head over to Britan’s Geomiq, whose robots want your face. Like your face… off. Face… off… They’re offering 130K for willing participants to donate their faces to a new “state-of-the-art humanoid” it’s developing. For now, all they want are detailed photos, but by 2050 the hope is to have real faces on their bots, which is still better than donating your face to a space library I suppose. https://www.cnet.com/news/this-robot-wants-to-wear-your-face-youll-get-130000-for-sharing/

Naturally, there are those who can’t wait. A Russian funeral home is looking for volunteers to expedite the T-800 by calling for volunteers to have their family member’s bodies hollowed out and filled in with Swedish robots. That way, dear old, dead, gross, grannie can still get around the house and not at all traumatize the fuck out of your kids or infiltrate the underground strongholds keeping the last of us alive. http://www.panarmenian.net/eng/news/252398/Scientists_seek_to_build_robots_of_dead_people

Not to fret though. At least when your robo-granny-zombie murders you all it will be able to give you last rights. A number of large religious organizations are looking to replace their tired, rapey, leaders with robots after the Japanese Buddhist-bot’s successes. There are about 3000 AIBO units in the world now doing the mundane stuff humans don’t care about, like officiating dog funerals. I mean, it would be crazy to jump right to human trials… right? https://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/destinations/asia/japan/in-japan–a-buddhist-funeral-service-for-robot-dogs/

And if that doesn’t make you feel better know that Google is apparently working hard on making kill-switches that will turn evil robots off before they achieve sentience. I don’t know about you, but I’ll sleep better at night knowing a company with nearly infinite resources who couldn’t manage “Don’t be evil” without fucking it up stands between us and Arnie being back… https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/google-working-kill-switch-prevent-8113235

In short, we’re all fucked and killer robots are definitely going to be the leading cause of death as soon as one of literally millions of evil roboticists figures it out.

Main Show Stories

Since I have the attention span of a middle-schooler on acid, I have decided to revert to our past and do a show of a few stories I found interesting this week. Don’t worry, there’s no crocodiles, no orange dipshit, and no damaged children. 

The Nose Have It

Ever feel like you just can’t breathe right from your nose? How about having that feeling for over 18 years? How about choosing to do nothing about it? If this all sounds stupid to you, well, you’re not alone, because it is stupid and here’s the story.

As reported in the British Medical Journal, A 30-year-old man was in prison and was given a small rubber balloon with weed in it by his girlfriend, but instead of putting it in his “prison pocket”, or just swallowing it for later retrieval, he instead put it in his nose. He did successfully get it past the guards, but when he tried to remove it, he only succeeded in shoving it further up and couldn’t get it out. Then, thinking he’d swallowed it, he just went about his life.

This leads me to ask a few questions? First, if you’re getting drugs in prison, why bother with weed? It’s nearly impossible to smoke without everybody in the area knowing exactly what’s going on. Second, it’s really benign and it seems stupid to take such a big risk for such a small reward. Finally, just what the fuck? Your nose? My god, that’s just fucked up. 

As you may be thinking, this cartoon character person suffered from repeated headaches and sinus infections, for the next 18 years. Eighteen years. That’s a long time to be dealing with such a thing. Well, eventually the man went to Westmead Hospital near Sydney (oh, did I neglect to say this all took place in Australia (not Austria, Aaron)? There he received a CT scan which found that the man had an 11x19cm calcified growth in his right nostril. In the preceding 18 years, his body had deposited magnesium, calcium, and other minerals around the rubber forming a rhinolith. The surgeons removed it under general anesthesia and now, miraculously, all of his symptoms have disappeared.


Don’t mess with Mr. Nice Guy

Let’s talk beer. I know, I know that’s really unusual on this show, but let’s make an exception this one little time. We will, unfortunately, be unable to taste the particular beers in question since they are not even remotely available in the US (that I’m aware), but I think I might just have a man-crush on the brewer. 

Christian Skovdal Andersen is the owner of Beer Here, a Danish brewery, who for years has been producing his own recipes and bottling them with unique names and labels which make fun of religious beliefs. You see, Mr. Anderson is a dues-paying member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and as such has this exceedingly rare thing called a sense of humor. Recently, he’s been getting emails, calls, and messages from the local Hindu community asking that he stop making a couple of his beers called Coffee Karma and Kama Citra, both of which have labels featuring comical representations of Hindu gods (see notes). 

Rather than just tell them to fuck off with their nitwitted complaints, he instead proposed a deal. I could paraphrase this, but it’s written so nicely, that I’ll just quote him directly (from his Facebook page):

Dear All,

Thank you for your interest in Beerhere and our beers.

First of all, I have produced these two beers for almost ten years, so I am surprised that it only arises as an issue now. It seems like there is an untapped market for Beerhere beers in the Indian community.

Secondly, I can assure you this is nothing personal against Hindus. I have made labels with motifs satirizing both Islam and Christianity so far. And I am not about to stop here. I believe all religions are equally ridiculous.

However, as this seems to be an important issue for you and I am not deliberately trying to hurt anybody’s feelings, I would be like to accommodate your wishes as long as it does not mean a financial loss to me.

I would be willing to have the two labels redesigned to something you can approve of. Redesigning the two labels and reprinting them will cost €2500 in total. I will cover that cost myself if you agree to donate the same amount to a charity of my choosing. This will be www.dalitsolidarity.org, which helps victims (i.e. real people) of the Indian caste system, which is something I find highly offensive. I have received messages from about 40 people until now, which will be a modest €60 per head.

As for the current stock, I am out of Coffee Karma, but I have about 3000 bottles of Kama Citra in stock which would have to relabelled. You are welcome to come by and do that, once the new label is printed as described above. It should take four people 3-4 hours to do the whole lot. I will supply cold beer and set up a comfortable workspace for you guys.

I think we can find a solution together. It will take a modest economic contribution and a little bit of work, but I am sure you will be compensated for your efforts in the afterlife. Mabe even reincarnated as a brewer or an atheist?

Sincerely Christian Skovdal Andersen, Beerhere

PS: I am a little bit grumpy that some of you guys apparently have given Beerhere bad Facebook reviews without even visiting the place. Not cool!

A day later, he followed up with an even better post:

Regarding the complaints of my beer labels

It has now been 24 hours since I offered to accommodate your wishes and cover the cost of redesigning and reprinting the two labels you apparently find so offensive. Not a single one of you has agreed to help me for a couple of hours relabeling the current stock and donate a measly €60 to help the victims of your religion. That makes me think that you are not that concerned about your invisible friends anyway.

Instead, you have resorted to threats and insults and harassing my business by leaving bogus-reviews. Unfortunately, something I feel is very much in the character of religious crazies.

So to all of you, who have felt wronged by my labels, let’s level the playing field. As a member of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and a paying Pastafarian, I hereby invite you to do all the insulting artwork of His Noodly Magnificence you wish. Please post them here. I can’t wait!

Kind regards, Christian Skovdal Andersen, Beerhere

PS: All this has been very inspiring for me. Can you maybe help me find other Hindu deities for future labels? Something like Monkey-transvestite, Manboob Baby or perhaps Stoned Smurf?


Mmm good. Damn good.

Note: this story is a couple of years old, but we didn’t cover it when it went viral, so in the spirit of Shea, I’m covering it now.

Tracy Kiss, a single mother of two, from Buckinghamshire  UK is by most accounts a normal, healthy 29-year-old personal trainer, qualified nutritional advisor, and vegan. She tries to live a healthy life and take care of herself as one would expect of such a person. She does, however, have a … quirky diet. You see, she believes in and practices in supplementing her diet with, well, baby batter, Clam sauce, ectoplasm, high fructose porn syrup, spludge, trouser gravy, I could go on but I think you get the point. She drinks sperm, at least three times a week. 

 Now, just to be clear, she typically consumes her weiner sauce by whipping it into a smoothie (which is generally how I am able to source it as well) with the addition of other ingredients such as bananas, seeds, and almond milk. She says that:

“‘Every batch tastes different, depending on what he’s been eating. If he’s been drinking alcohol or eaten something particularly pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads up so I know not to drink it neat.’ ‘Things like pineapple and peppermint make it taste better, but I’ll happily take it straight off a spoon usually.”

As you may remember from the beginning of the story, she’s single, so she’s enlisted the assistance of a friend to supply her layonnaise a few times a week and she keeps it in a tub in the fridge with the rest of the food. Apparently they’re just friends, so he does the harvesting and she does the consuming. Her friend had some initial concerns about the arrangement but has come around. Tracy said, “When I first approached him, he was concerned I’d use it to impregnate myself,’ she admits. ‘But once I’d convinced him it was for my beauty regime he agreed – after all, he has a regular supply at hand!”

She swears by her diet, saying, “I’d been feeling run down and had no energy, but now I’m full of beans and my mood has improved.” Adding that it contains lots of vitamins and minerals including B12 which as a vegan, she would otherwise lack in her diet.

Dr Sarah Jarvis was asked to comment on adding pole milk to your diet and she was less enthusiastic about it, saying, “There is absolutely no nutritional value to semen. A better way for vegans to get extra protein would be through foods like nuts.” But really, isn’t that exactly what Tracy is doing in a way.

She is also on record evangelizing the use of willymilk as a facial cream and credits it with improving her complexion. After all, thousands of porn stars can’t be wrong, right?


Next Week’s Beer

Hoptronix IPA from New Holland Brewing

Donated By: Steve E.

Happy Ending

Dr. Felipe Rossi is proving not all superheroes wear capes… some wear cool space helmets like Star-Lord. Also, I’m pretty sure this guy is Star-Lord. Or at least Chris Pratt in disguise as someone who does more than send thoughts and prayers…

How much more? Infinity times more… because he actually fucking did something.

The Brazillian dentist has been working for free in some of Brazil’s poorest neighborhoods for free. About 3 years ago he went to Mozambique with an NGO and it inspired him to help those closer to home as well. So he created Port1sorriso.

He’s now provided dental help in 10 Brazilian states – fun fact: Brazil has states – and two African countries.

The project started with Felipe and two of his friends and is now funded by Colgate.

“I came back impacted with so much human misery, and decided to do something bigger using my academic background which is dentistry,’ he explained to Metro.co.uk. we travel every month to meet the most disadvantaged people, and there are many. In Brazil, more than 20 million people have never gone to the dentist. The number is alarming. And we get in there and see this lack of care.”

Today Por1Sorriso has over 20 people on staff and lots of volunteers to make action happen.

Check the show notes for some portraits of the folks he and his team have helped. If you’re not at least a little moved, you’re a monster and need to offset the footprint of your cold dead heart by donating to WyoAIDS.org.

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